The Bastards Of Badenoch

09/21/2005

With some difficulty, I eventually prised from my hosts on Mull the details of my gaff at the Mod prize giving, apparently, my grasp of the Gaelic abandoned me and I referred to the prize-winning choirs as “The Bastards of Badenoch”. On learning this, I contacted the Choir Mistress and offered my most humble and sincere apologies, which she rather sportingly accepted, however, she did say, with a giggle, that she had referred to me as “That Twit Trollaigh” in her acceptance speech whilst I beamed with pleasure! Hey Ho. At the Tower of Glen Trollaigh, there is some consternation as dearest Dottie has not received the customary thank you note from Lord W, that lounge suited buffoon who was here at the weekend as an experimental “modern” guest. After further questioning, it transpires that the oick did not leave a tip form either the house or the hill, normally about £100 of which Lachie and Mhairi keep half and they distribute the rest to their helpers. Over the years, we have received politicos of every persuasion but none is so ignorant as this noble labour peer. When Lenin visited even he left £150, all be it in worthless czarist roubles. I remember the head stalker at the time claiming that Lenin was the worst shot he had ever taken onto the hill. To-day Lachie leads some clients onto the hill leaving me to browse the newspapers, I am struck by the similarity between Iraq and The Kingdom of Fife, both have several violent, warring tribal groups attacking the forces of law, both lack basic infrastructure, both have poor housing, education and overstretched healthcare. While both areas can lay many of their problems at the doors of sectarianism, at least the Iraqis are not fuelled by alcohol and couch potato TV addiction. I was not surprised to learn that West Coast hospitality providers will never accept a booking from Fifers, who are knows as “Dirty Debtors”. I understand from friends in high places that even Jack “the liar” McConnell, our First Minister was rescued by the SAS from a house in Cowdenbeath after local socialists handed him over to The Scottish Socialist group following investigations into corruption in Glenrothes Council. On a lighter note, I learn that Fifers have forced Edinburgh Council to rethink the dimensions of their proposed multi-million tram system because the average Fife lard arse will not fit the douce Edinburgh seats! I say ban fried Mars Bars in Fife! Kind regards, Archie, The Baron Trollaigh.