Sand Storms Across The Sahara

08/17/2006

Dear Archie, after some humorous consideration of this letter within the offices of Limmer and Feckley, we are of the opinion that it will be safe to publish it verbatim. Sorry that I could not have more of a chat on the phone last night, as you know blamming time at Sandringham is special and I am still lucky enough to get a day or two. By the way, I must say that the girl’s dance routine sounds rather good, do you think they would perform at the Highbury house for us southerners? Hope to take up Dottie’s invitation before the end of September, although the river sounds terrible, God bless, David Hemsley QC.

Colonsay House.
16th August, 2006.

Trollaigh, My Dear.

A native has reported the scurrilous comments you have published about me.

The Isle of Colonsay has had bad publicity this year about the ban on caravans, indeed, the Caravan Club of Great Britain has even called me a Fascist, and you will realise how hurtful this is in view of my family’s long history of service to the crown. The simple truth is that the Colonsay road cannot cope with caravans. As I am the only landlord in Scotland that owns the pier that serves the island, I must have some say in who uses it. We are now considering a car sizing system on Oban pier by which, only vehicles of a certain width, length and height can be loaded onto the ferry and so encourage summer visitors to leave their estate cars and land rovers on the mainland. To set an example, we only drive the Silver Ghost in an anticlockwise direction round the island, unless, of course, we need to get to the shop or the harbour. The ban on caravans also helps the local accommodation providers to monopolise bed letting, and I admit that we do benefit a little from this, as we own 99% of the available beds, since we bought back the hotel last year. The new airstrip will make other transport options available, although we also own the golf course upon which the airport has been constructed. The strip has been broadly welcomed, apart from the golfers who do not seem to be satisfied with the reduction to nine holes. Once the EU funded terminal has been built, it will be the operations base for our new airline HowardairU. The hanger will provide space for our plane and the new Lear jet provided by the Community Health Group to allow those nice young doctors from Oban and Taynuilt to minister to our sick and elderly a few hours each week, whilst taking their summer hols in the Doctor’s house. Of course, we will not have to use the beastly ferry so often; we might even cut back the service and reduce the wear and tear on the pier.

I do hope that this makes our position clear, and shows that we are not in anyway anti-Arab, as you have suggested. You know that we have spent many hundreds of thousands of pounds on fruitless court cases over the years to protect out interests, and we would have no hesitation in perusing you, if you were unwise enough to continue with your salacious comments. By the way, what an unusual way of spelling Mullah, and what on earth are they doing at Craignure? Can we expect to see you, Dottie and the girl’s at the Argyll Ball on Friday? I have to say it is not as traditional as it was, with so many folk from Perthshire there. Alex always looks forward to your girl’s extraordinary free style performance to “Plastique Bertrand”. I will be hosting an early supper at The Caledonia Hotel as usual, to which your party is always welcome.

Felicitous regards, Strathconna.