Netting Poachers

09/24/2005

I am a little down to-day as our darling daughters end their summer hols with us and head back to the flesh pots of the Trollaigh Highbury house. They have been wonderful company this year and very supportive of dearest Dottie and myself. The girl’s guests have been reasonably sensible, hardly a chinless wonder amongst them, however I was a little concerned at the passion with which The Boat bade Lachie farewell, Lachie even wanted to run the girls back to Glasgow airport and I had to remind him that his duty was to our stalking guests. He rather peevishly pointed out that he was only needed on the hill because no one wanted to be guided by a “Tweed Clad Throwback” anymore; The Boat of Garten was hauling Lachie away as I started to bluster, and I will have to watch the lad. I have kept myself to the riverbank with the dogs and an occasional dram watching out for furtive poachers, this reminded me of the wonderful summer in ‘47 when Russell Campbell-Johnston and I developed a net arraignment for trapping deer in the early hours, on Dottie’s’ sacred lawn. My beloved does not approve of slaughter and gun shot within sight of the Tower of Glen Trollaigh, so Russell and I designed a net launched from the east tower by two scaled gliders to drop on the deer fifty yards off. We had a few teething problems, not least that the prey were kicking wildly and very aggressive. Range was increased by strapping a couple of shotgun cartridges to the gliders, but we still suffered many bruises untangling the victims. After a week or two, Russell came up with a net made from copper filament attached to a long trailing lead that we plugged into the mains. This was a splendid improvement stunning our prey at a stroke, but I can assure you that Health and Safety would have had a field day and Russell still carries a four-inch scar on his left hand, testament to the night that he hauled on the wrong “rope”. I cannot recall the date, however, Russell, who was a keen diver, came up with a launching system using compressed air and nitrogen. Quite difficult to source in those days, and it worked a treat, imagine our surprise when one night, in amongst the deer we caught a poacher! Only a day or two passed until Russell perfected a, all be it very heavy, portable version, and we went on to capture several poachers with the net. Russell’s next idea was to forego the net and apply direct voltage to the target with two copper filaments and modified fishing flies fired at velocity at the prey, be it animal or human. We had endless fun with this until well into the 60’s when we accidentally zapped the local bobby at 3.00am. Of course, Russell and I were as high as kites wearing our Stg. Pepper quasi-military uniforms complete with droopy mustachios, as one did then. We only avoided a stink by promising to destroy our “weapon” and making a substantial donation to the Oban Policemen’s Ball. The good Russell Campbell-Johnston dropped his invention into the middle of Loch Trollaigh where it remains to this day; however, in my honour he named it “The Trozer”. Imagine my surprise on learning that the Strathclyde Black Shirts are to add a “Tazer” to their already bulging wild-west gun belts, used mainly to impress Neds in Easterhouse when the Black Shirts confiscate their Buckfast. I will be phoning David on Monday to pursue Russell’s claim to copyright and substantial compensation. I am hoping for an invitation to the Inver from Vestey next week and it seems unlikely that I will be able to add to this diary whilst in the far reaches of Sutherland. Oh, and yes, we all know now why the hopeless Lord Witless failed to write to Dottie, what a plonker! The BarL is the best place for him. Yours Aye, Archie, The Baron Trollaigh.

PS. My dear Casino, the titles are made up. Trollaigh.