Bogs And Boggers.

04/22/2007

A few days of building easterly gales brings the temperature tumbling to 7 or 8 degrees with a wind chill factor that leaves the Bermuda shorts in the dressing room and a hand hovering over the long johns. By cunningly keeping the Great Fire of Trollaigh blazing for sixteen hours a day and casually casting aside the tweed jacket, I have managed to avoid turning on the heating which I secretly switched off ten days ago, I have spotted the womenfolk feeling the odd radiator, so my bluff will be called if the bally spring does not heat up soon. The Swallows that a summer make are tucked up in a barn, sightings are scarce.

Dearest Dottie and the Great Garden Designer have been at it again, following a winter tour of grand European and UK gardens, a few changes are on the cards, particularly galling is the decision to create a pond and bog garden where there currently sits a small hill of approximately 30,000 cubic metres, affectionately known by one and all as Donnie Munro. One must take some solace from the thought that the GGD was not tempted to emulate the super new water features at Alnwick Castle Garden inspired by the Duchess of Northumberland of which Walt D would have been justly proud. Those of you who are familiar with rumbling earth mowers will realize that digging the mountain away is not even the half of it, one has to think of somewhere to transport the spoil, find trucks and build the odd road or two. Now you might think that a Titled Gent with 50,000 acres in hand would not have too much of a problem building a bog or two, particularly as 90% of North Argyll is already covered in the bally things, but you would be wrong. Apart from the obvious need for bottomless pits of wonga, one requires planning permission from Argyll and Bute Council. The Councillors are well intentioned to a man; however appear to know nothing of bogs, therefore the issue is also wafted passed the Nation Parks Authority, who in turn require an environmental impact assessment. The gravel in front of The Tower of Glen Trollaigh starts to host hordes of Ford Foci as SEPA appear to check that we are not going to toxify Scotland, Scottish Water to demand a payment and licence for water “containment”, SNH to insist that an Archaeologist is retained for the duration of the bog build to search for Augustine relics or some such. The Fisheries Board biologist calls to warn against interfering with Salmon spawning grounds, even the Forestry Commission threatens to check our title deeds to prove that we own the bog, all these wollahs require fees for their efforts totalling £10k to date. Then the RSPB phoned for a chat, purely to advise as they are not a “Statuary Body”, hotly followed by Historic Scotland who shout down the whole scheme on the grounds that yours truly is not a morally fit person to build a bog, as I have allegedly promoted violence and extreme right wing views in this very organ and must be declared an unfit person to bog build. You will understand that I have been sorely tempted to knock a few heads together as the weeks roll by, however the trick is to remain tightly under control and give the baronial mustachios a thorough chewing to stop foot in mouth, whilst keeping the Adam & Company cheque book at close hand and making sure that the pen is well Quinked at all times. The hardest cut came from my new advisor in such matters, Dr Ernest Beard PhD, “The trouble is, Old Salt, that none of these chaps see you as a conservationist”. I find this hard to take as I and my forebears have been nurturing the North Argyll glens for several centuries before these blighters were into short trousers, but that counts for nothing in the Brave New World.  All future Trollaigh bogs will be started at ground level rather than half way up a mini-mountain. Yours aye, Archie, The Baron Trollaigh.