Ask Alice When She’s Ten Feet Tall

10/14/2008

Torrents of rain mean that only the most loyal of guests have sought the Autumn hill and river bank over the past week. I know that I have complained about October guests in the past, in fact they are in many way the easiest, being without the airs and graces of the August and September bunch who expect the hospitality of a generous highland laird, and although always interesting do tend to witter on about perfectly matched pairs of Purdeys proofed for steel shot, as well as the benefits of a handy range of American Sage salmon rods at a grand a pop. On the other hand my current end of season coves are inclined to be shod in leather employing a great deal of cunning with Gramp’s split cane Bruce and slightly slack Edwardian Army and Navy boxlocks. Breakfasts are later and although spruced up in the evening they do not expect single malts and highland dress of the host, on chilly October nights they are happy to join Mhairi and Lachie in the warmth of the kitchen for Dinner. Sir “Tam” McDermid is with us, it is said that Tam has reigned over the basements of HM Treasury since the time of Churchill, his forte to teach all budding Treasury Ministers the working of the Great British Economy with the aid of a lovingly maintained system of cisterns and clear pipe work, deploying different coloured liquids to illustrate say the effect on the value of Sterling if Johnnie Foreigner blows a Greenpeace ship out of the water in Auckland. Many a Government Minister has been glad of the wise teachings of Tam, however five years ago Blair and Brown decided it would be better if their Cabinet had not the slightest inklings of economics and Tam’s basement was declared out of bounds. Fortunately for Tam, his continued presence has been overlooked and he still draws his salary plus the London allowance. So our evenings have been full of the most outrageous tales of Downing Street and Whitehall, from the techniques used to wake Prescott at Cabinet meetings to the expectation of having to call for a stretcher for Beastly Brown when Peter Mandelson adopted two titles rather that the usual one upon his elevation to the House of Lords. One of Tam’s interesting comments on the current ballistic banking balls up was that experience tells us that this sort of thing happens every seven years, mainly because after every crash there is a blood letting of senior staff, the very ones who know how the system works, whereas it takes seven years for the new boys and girls to make a complete cock of it again. Wise words from an expert mark 2015 on your wall chart!

As a final foot note to the “At the risk of Repeating Myself” saga, my estranged sister, Alice phoned from her Left Bank loft conversion in a high state of agitation over my mention of the John Lennon photograph. Nothing would do but I was to remove the back of the frame while she was still on the blower and describe what I found, all I could see was a sheet of paper about six inches square covered in dots. Alice positively showered me with sibling affection and insisted that I keep the photo and frame in a safe place until her imminent arrival to collect it, as she claims it was a gift to her and not yours truly. Slightly bemused I studied the paper after Alice signed off and could just make out that the dots appear to be small white rabbits, perhaps some long lost Lennon doodle, time will tell and I should think it unlikely that Alice will even remember how to find The Tower of Glen Trollaigh. Perhaps now is the time for a cast or two to settle the nerves. Yours aye, Archie The Baron Trollaigh.