Thursday, August 17, 2006

Sand Storms Across The Sahara

08/17/2006

Dear Archie, after some humorous consideration of this letter within the offices of Limmer and Feckley, we are of the opinion that it will be safe to publish it verbatim. Sorry that I could not have more of a chat on the phone last night, as you know blamming time at Sandringham is special and I am still lucky enough to get a day or two. By the way, I must say that the girl’s dance routine sounds rather good, do you think they would perform at the Highbury house for us southerners? Hope to take up Dottie’s invitation before the end of September, although the river sounds terrible, God bless, David Hemsley QC.

Colonsay House.
16th August, 2006.

Trollaigh, My Dear.

A native has reported the scurrilous comments you have published about me.

The Isle of Colonsay has had bad publicity this year about the ban on caravans, indeed, the Caravan Club of Great Britain has even called me a Fascist, and you will realise how hurtful this is in view of my family’s long history of service to the crown. The simple truth is that the Colonsay road cannot cope with caravans. As I am the only landlord in Scotland that owns the pier that serves the island, I must have some say in who uses it. We are now considering a car sizing system on Oban pier by which, only vehicles of a certain width, length and height can be loaded onto the ferry and so encourage summer visitors to leave their estate cars and land rovers on the mainland. To set an example, we only drive the Silver Ghost in an anticlockwise direction round the island, unless, of course, we need to get to the shop or the harbour. The ban on caravans also helps the local accommodation providers to monopolise bed letting, and I admit that we do benefit a little from this, as we own 99% of the available beds, since we bought back the hotel last year. The new airstrip will make other transport options available, although we also own the golf course upon which the airport has been constructed. The strip has been broadly welcomed, apart from the golfers who do not seem to be satisfied with the reduction to nine holes. Once the EU funded terminal has been built, it will be the operations base for our new airline HowardairU. The hanger will provide space for our plane and the new Lear jet provided by the Community Health Group to allow those nice young doctors from Oban and Taynuilt to minister to our sick and elderly a few hours each week, whilst taking their summer hols in the Doctor’s house. Of course, we will not have to use the beastly ferry so often; we might even cut back the service and reduce the wear and tear on the pier.

I do hope that this makes our position clear, and shows that we are not in anyway anti-Arab, as you have suggested. You know that we have spent many hundreds of thousands of pounds on fruitless court cases over the years to protect out interests, and we would have no hesitation in perusing you, if you were unwise enough to continue with your salacious comments. By the way, what an unusual way of spelling Mullah, and what on earth are they doing at Craignure? Can we expect to see you, Dottie and the girl’s at the Argyll Ball on Friday? I have to say it is not as traditional as it was, with so many folk from Perthshire there. Alex always looks forward to your girl’s extraordinary free style performance to “Plastique Bertrand”. I will be hosting an early supper at The Caledonia Hotel as usual, to which your party is always welcome.

Felicitous regards, Strathconna.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Ferry Passenger Profiles.

08/14/2006

The northerly breezes veer to the southwest and the weather girls talk of wind and rain tomorrow, which we need for the river, whence Lachie has banished most of the girl’s guests after a disastrous display on the rifle range. I was pleased to see that dearest Dottie led the scores when she pulled off her party trick of removing the centre from an Ace of Spades at 400 yards with her father’s old 303, shooting from the hip, what a gal. I have been tied to the desk following last week’s jaunt, catching up with correspondence; however, I managed to organise a short course on bird identification for the young guests who have been standing at the side of one of the hay fields hoping for a pot at some Glasgow pidgeon fancier’s pet. I had to warn them not to be tempted by the wonderful aerobatics that the young swallows and house martins are performing now that the second brood is in the air, and I was surprised that only a couple of lads had every seen a chough. I was surrounded by these rarities on the western cliffs of Colonsay when I went to pay my respects to Giuseppe Delgrosso, late of the Arandora Star, whose memorial I visited last week.

Although conversation is not encouraged during breakfast at the Great Table of Trollaigh, the young have been fairly prattling on about the security restriction imposed by Doctor “Tongs Ya Bas” Reid. I did wonder whether or not he could pull off his “tough on terrorism” pose, in the face of middle Britain’s need to whiz off to the costas during the school hols, and of course there has been a huge u-turn because of the risk of egg and tomato landing on the ministerial physog. The good Doctor should have come to Caledonian MacBrayne for advice on his problems, as Cal-mac has operated a policy of passenger profiling for years. Ranger’s supporters are not allowed onto the Barra ferry, Muileaichs, being swarthy and for the most part bearded, may only travel to Craignuire or Fishnish, and the final twist of influence being the humouring of Lord Srathconna’s fear of Arabs and Camels, with the Colonsay ferry being firmly labelled “No Caravans”. Yours Aye, Archie, The Baron Trollaigh.